full circle

. . .from an upward battle of struggles and emotions to a journey of healing, growth, and laughter. . .


kindred spirits

As a Canadian prairie girl {shhh, don’t tell anyone}, my favorite movie as a child was Anne of Green Gables. Maybe it was how much I could relate to Anne—teased at school and had a very short temper—or maybe it was because she was so truthful and blunt. Whatever it was, I loved her and would watch that movie on CBC every year at Christmas when it aired. Of all the things I’m fond of in that movie, her term for good friends always stood out in my mind.

AnneDianaGreenGables1I clicked instantly with the girl woman girl-woman {a topic for a future post} who replaced me at the corporate office when I moved to the agency office a couple of years ago. We were different but also so much alike, and, as I discovered recently, we have gone through similar emotional struggles. And oh yeah, she is obsessed with cats! She is one of only a handful of friends who knows about my blog {and probably the only one who reads it}. There are many areas of my life that are open to my friends. But sometimes, I need to write to strangers, to have anonymous people read about my experiences, my thoughts, my emotions, and my secrets. Because of our similarities {the emotional struggles, not necessarily the cats, lol}, I trusted her with what I revealed in my blog.

She is my kindred spirit.

She’s also freaking funny, so please check out her blog – Unfiltered Discourse – best read uncorked!

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drama queen

My life used to be full of drama. In the years I spent alone after The Break Up, I worked on healing—whether actively or passively. After the second or third year, it felt good not to have relationship drama in my life. Early last year (the seventh year of regaining my independence), I decided I didn’t want any drama in my life, i.e. the drama of other people. Just because I am your friend, it doesn’t mean I want to be sucked into your relationship issues or dating frustrations. I will be supportive and provide advice if asked for it, but if you ignore said advice, then I don’t want to hear about it. Because it’s up to you to make a decision to resolve your relationship issues and dating frustrations, not me.

Everyone has a dream job. I have one, too. While I enjoy my current job, it’s not my “dream job.” So, when I had the opportunity to apply for my dream job {ironically, for the second time} last summer, I thought it was meant to be. It was for a foundation that raises money for housing for homeless and low income people. I was even willing to take the 20k pay cut. I would make the monetary sacrifices because this was MY DREAM JOB. It doesn’t come around a third time!

I didn’t get. Once again, I come in second. I took it better this time round. I guess it wasn’t meant to be after all. The next evening, I went for drinks with one of my former bosses, who was a good friend and one of my references. I talked about my various theories about why I didn’t get the job and my feelings—bad and good—about not getting it.

Fastforward three months. My friend had lost his own job, so another mutual good friend and I took him out to dinner. Towards the end, he asked if I knew who got the job I had applied for. I said no but that reminded me to check the website to see who got it. And then he blurted out that he knew who got it—and it was a woman we had all worked with, who, as sweet as she is, is not half as qualified for the position as I was. But wait, it gets worse. And then he said he knows because he was a reference for her, too. Um . . . WHAT?!!!!!

My mind was awash with confused thoughts, my eyes filled with tears. I calmly asked what he meant. He said he was a reference for her but gave me a better one.

I felt betrayed.

I was his close friend. He knew this was my dream job. He never even worked directly with her. Aside from the reference issue, he had months {MONTHS} to tell me that he had been a reference for her. Why now? Why this way?

And he was clueless. He emailed me the next day to ask for the email address of another friend. That was it. I waited for him to contact me and explain. Nothing.

We ran into each other at an event a month later. He said hello—I mumbled hi and went into the room. I think that’s the first time he may have realized there was a problem.

But still nothing.

And then in January, two months after that event, I received an email from his girlfriend {wtf} telling me she was writing despite telling him she wouldn’t, hoped the falling out didn’t affect her friendship with me {wtf}, and that we could still meet for coffee. {this woman is deluded.}

Then I got an invite from him to their party. Nothing else.

A few weeks ago, he finally talked to our mutual friend {the one who was there at the dinner when he blurted out the truth}, and she basically had to tell him what he did wrong. Like, seriously.

Last week, a day before a gathering of mutual friends, he emailed me asking if we could talk to help him understand “what caused the breach between us” and hoped we could be good friends again.

And here I am. I resigned from our friendship months ago. I don’t want the drama. It’s too late. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to dredge up the recent past and go through those emotions. I was willing to talk about it eight months ago. I am not so willing now. I understand his need to bandaid our friendship, but he waited too long. I feel sad that he ruined our friendship, but I’ve moved on.

I had replied to his email and said I would need to think about it because he waited way too long to contact me. But last night as I was cleaning up my inbox, I realized that I have no desire to talk about what had happened. Or repair our broken friendship. I’m over it.

I don’t want anybody’s drama in my life.

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My car (i.e. my dad’s old car) broke down on my way to the rescue group meeting tonight in the rain. It was the icing on the cake of a really stressful week. I made some calls, got a stranger to look at it, made some more calls, saw that my phone battery was dying, called a cab, and left my car to deal with later.

I started to tell the tale of my unpleasant week to someone I volunteer with (whom I now consider a friend) and felt the stinging tears building in my eyes, so I abruptly stopped talking.

A friend at work told me today how last night she got home and just burst into tears. That’s what I need – a really good cry.

But who has time for tears? I’m already stretched to the max. I have responsibilities, I made commitments. I want to be able to look back on this year and say that I did my best to help myself, to help other people.

My friends at the rescue group don’t just save the lives of cats. Tonight, they saved mine. After putting me in touch with a mechanic friend of theirs, they drove me to my car and did what they could until by the seventh turn of the key, the engine roared. And then they followed me home.

Sometimes, I really do have great friends.

Of course, they instructed me to keep the engine running for 20 minutes before I turned it off, so it has enough juice in the morning, so I can make those calendar deliveries.

I’m sitting in the car on the street without heat, and my fingers are starting to get numb, so I shall leave with one thought.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

So . . . when do I walk away?

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dark chocolate

i just got home from the keith urban concert. it’s the second time i’ve seen him play, and he was just as energetic and amazing as the first time. i went alone. i always go to concerts alone because i don’t have any friends who are into music.

i thought about T the whole time, for a few reasons. he was the one who got me into keith urban. and then during one of our break ups, i bought keith urban’s album and connected to the songs – listened to them over and over while i was so sad. and then he happened to come to vancouver a few months later, and i went to see him play. tonight, i thought about how T would have liked the concert, i wondered how his own music was going, wondered if he was ok, wondered if he ever thought about me.

having clea and oreo around has been so wonderful. i love them so much. and they love me. i have spent the last two weeks watching them play, getting to know their habits, trying to figure out their quirks. my favorite time is when i let myself fall asleep on the couch (i have a week off work), so that they will cuddle next to me (or, in clea’s case, on top of me).

and yet still i cannot stop binge eating on junk food. it is completely emotional eating. i think about starting up my plan again (cutting out carbs and working out three to four times a week) and look forward to losing the weight again, but i still buy junk food. and i still eat it.

my friend who had been keeping me smiling has hurt me. things got a bit tense last weekend, and our conversation ended abruptly. i switched to email and told him he had hurt me. he told me he remembered the old me and was struggling with trying to understand me now. it’s like we women talk and they men never hear what we say. i told him i was self-conscious about my weight gain. i told him i didn’t know why he didn’t understand that i am not the old me {which is eight years ago i might add} anymore because of everything that has happened to me. i was very blunt and said all the suicide attempts, abuse of drugs/alcohol, different meds, hospital visits, therapy, and weight gain had taken the fun out of me. i told him i didn’t know what else to tell him to make him understand.

he never wrote back.


all about the butter…nut… butter

omg. remember the night i had butternut squash ravioli with pan-seared scallops, truffle beurre blanc [white butter] sauce, and pine nuts? the chef was rob feenie (the first canadian to win iron chef america), and our waitress told us that he had been there an hour earlier. i laughed and said it was ok cuz we’d just see him on TV (he and some other famous chefs in town have been collaborating with a more casual, inexpensive restaurant to create some new dishes, and they’ve been doing commercials for the last year or so). a few days later, i googled to see if i could get the recipe – some of his recipes were posted on the restaurant website, but not the one i wanted.

anyways, some of us at work decided to go for drinks this evening, and i suggested this place. i jokingly asked the waitress if rob feenie was there because i wanted to ask him for the recipe {and yes, i couldn’t resist ordering it again}. ironically, she said he had been there two hours earlier.

we carried on with our evening, and then the waitress happened to come by and mentioned that rob feenie was back. i looked to where she was pointing, but i couldn’t see him. not too long after, i noticed he was sitting on the patio, which just happened to be next to our window. we joked about me going over to him, but i said i wouldn’t interrupt him because he was already sitting down {and i didn’t want to be a celebrity stalker, sheesh}.

then martha said something about putting a note up on the window, and i said “ok!” and grabbed my napkin. she fished out an eyeliner from her purse {yes, i had a pen, but we were past the point of logical}, and i told her to write “ravioli recipe please”. her eyeliner was a bit thick, so it didn’t write that clearly on the napkin, but it was sufficiently legible. she propped the napkin against the window next to her (she was sitting on the same side as rob feenie). we tried to get his attention, but i think his tablemates saw the napkin first, then he turned to it and started squinting. he smiled when he read it, and i was thrilled. then i thought, well, that was entertaining, but how am i going to get my recipe?

then martha noticed he took his blackberry out, and she suggested i put my email address on the napkin. i thought that was a great idea! so, she wrote down my email address and put the napkin back on the window. rob feenie noticed and actually starting inputting it into his blackberry, but we weren’t sure he could read it, so martha suggested i put my business card up on the window. {yes, martha has great ideas!}

since he was clearly willing to take my email address, i decided it would be ok to walk over and give him my card. at the same time i walked through the door to the patio, one of his tablemates (his son? a chef?) came through the other side to get it from me. {yah, not giving up my opportunity!} i walked over and told rob feenie that i had come before and loved the dish and came back specifically for it and vowed if i ever ran into him, i would ask for the recipe {i didn’t add that i only would have done that after having a drink or two… by the way, i discovered a new yummy drink – yellowglen pink sparkling wine from australia} and clarified which recipe it was (he has another similar butternut squash ravioli). he was so serious and solemnly asked me if it was ok if he emailed it to me tomorrow. um…… yah…… let me think about that for a second………


i am still in awe that not only did i have the balls to ask him for the recipe, but he actually said yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was wayyyyy cool. i’ll let you know if he actually sends it.