full circle

. . .from an upward battle of struggles and emotions to a journey of healing, growth, and laughter. . .

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accidental fading

i’ve had a lot to say but not much energy to say it. the last few weeks have been a blur. nothing bad per se, just lots going on. saw my doc and was pleased to tell her my allergies to the kitties have been minimal. unfortunately, i’d been eating a shitload of junk food, and my blood pressure is a bit high now. i’m supposed to cut out the salt/junk food (which i have started to do) and exercise (not yet {sigh}) to lower it in the coming weeks before my next appointment. yah, i have to get on it. the good news is that last month, i didn’t have any bad headaches and didn’t have to take any naproxen. that’s the first time in two years or more, so i was quite pleased about that, too. i went on the scale a couple of weeks ago and was nearing my heaviest. i’ve probably surpassed that now, so i’m too scared to get on the scale again. it’s shitty to be fat during winter because none of my coats fit, so i look even fatter. ugh. good thing my feet haven’t gotten fatter – i bought a pair of mini-stilettos and two pairs of boots today. that was an accident – i was actually on my way to my hair appointment, and the shoe store was next door, and i was a few minutes early, and. . . well. . . 😉

i’ve had some sad moods at times – partly to do with my friend in australia and his lack of understanding and compassion {we are talking again, but it hasn’t been the same}, and partly to do with T. the longer time passes, the more content i become with being alone, i.e. being without him, but the more my hope fades. some may say that’s a good thing, but i don’t want it to fade. in my heart, i still love him. and no one could ever take his place.

my fur kids are my treasures. aside from the occasional sadness, i don’t feel as depressed as i did in the summer. i have a few days off this week (making up for last month when i was called into work on my vacation. . . twice), and we’ve all been spending quality time together. oreo allows me to hold him now (albeit for only 30 seconds, but that’s still a big improvement). clea is still naughty, but when she crawls into bed with me in the mornings and sets her head on the pillow next to mine so she can have a cuddle, i forget about her naughtiness. tomorrow is my last day off, and i can’t wait to wake up with her next to me. =)

i keep my camera handy – there is always something cute or funny that they are doing. it’s hard to pick a few favorites to display here, but i narrowed it down to 25 (lol), or you can see all of the pix here and videos here.


let’s cuddle

the first weekend after i got the kitties, i let them sleep in my room. originally, i hadn’t planned on it because my doctor said not to because of my allergies. but i hadn’t been reacting so badly, so i thought it would be ok.

my allergies were fine, but i woke up at three in the morning because they were wrestling on my back, lol. then i woke up at seven needing to use the loo. i threw back the covers and started to roll my legs out of bed when i heard myself shriek at the feeling of wetness. clea had peed in my bed… while i was in it!!!

that was the last time i let them sleep in my room with me. aside from not wanting to risk another accident (they are litter box trained), they (especially oreo) shed like crazy. there is always cat hair all over my couch and my clothes from sitting on the couch (which is why i have designated my at-home clothes ‘cat clothes’) – i go through one large, disposable lint brush every week!

the other evening, i fell alseep on the couch, and i woke up with clea and oreo snuggling next to me. it was such a warming feeling that i’ve been “letting myself” fall alseep on the couch more often. of course, last night, i woke up in the middle of the night with clea tickling me with her whiskers as she sniffed my face (which she likes to do when she wants a cuddle), and oreo licking my cheek, eyelids, nose, and ears. i couldn’t go back to sleep because they were right there, loving my face. at one point, i even held my hand in front of my face, lol. eventually, i had to turn away and face the back of the couch, which isn’t very comfortable if you are a moving sleeper like me.

i’ll let myself fall alseep on the couch “just one more time”. heehee.

{this is what they do when they’re not sleeping on my face!}

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dark chocolate

i just got home from the keith urban concert. it’s the second time i’ve seen him play, and he was just as energetic and amazing as the first time. i went alone. i always go to concerts alone because i don’t have any friends who are into music.

i thought about T the whole time, for a few reasons. he was the one who got me into keith urban. and then during one of our break ups, i bought keith urban’s album and connected to the songs – listened to them over and over while i was so sad. and then he happened to come to vancouver a few months later, and i went to see him play. tonight, i thought about how T would have liked the concert, i wondered how his own music was going, wondered if he was ok, wondered if he ever thought about me.

having clea and oreo around has been so wonderful. i love them so much. and they love me. i have spent the last two weeks watching them play, getting to know their habits, trying to figure out their quirks. my favorite time is when i let myself fall asleep on the couch (i have a week off work), so that they will cuddle next to me (or, in clea’s case, on top of me).

and yet still i cannot stop binge eating on junk food. it is completely emotional eating. i think about starting up my plan again (cutting out carbs and working out three to four times a week) and look forward to losing the weight again, but i still buy junk food. and i still eat it.

my friend who had been keeping me smiling has hurt me. things got a bit tense last weekend, and our conversation ended abruptly. i switched to email and told him he had hurt me. he told me he remembered the old me and was struggling with trying to understand me now. it’s like we women talk and they men never hear what we say. i told him i was self-conscious about my weight gain. i told him i didn’t know why he didn’t understand that i am not the old me {which is eight years ago i might add} anymore because of everything that has happened to me. i was very blunt and said all the suicide attempts, abuse of drugs/alcohol, different meds, hospital visits, therapy, and weight gain had taken the fun out of me. i told him i didn’t know what else to tell him to make him understand.

he never wrote back.