full circle

. . .from an upward battle of struggles and emotions to a journey of healing, growth, and laughter. . .

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musician standard time

back in the day, i had an insatiable desire for music. as a teen, i watched muchmusic (canada’s music video channel) every night while doing homework. i recorded all my favorite videos until i had a stack of 22 vhs tapes. i bought half a dozen CDs the day my dad gave me a cd player for my birthday. in university, i volunteered at the radio station as PR/arts and entertainment coordinator, promoted local bands, and went to their gigs every weekend. i had a lot of friends in bands. after i finished university and moved to italia, i was exposed to dance music, r&b, house, and electronic. when i returned three years later, i was really out of touch with the local music scene. (i still am.) but i reconnected with some old musician friends a few years ago. through some of those connections, i met T. T is an amazing musician – the most talented i’ve ever known. after playing bass for years since he was a kid, he taught himself guitar and began songwriting. i will forever cherish the tears when i heard the beautiful song he wrote for my birthday a couple of weeks after we fell in love. i will never forget the night he sang that song for the first time at a gig and dedicated it to me. {oh god, i miss him. 😦 }

{focus, focus}

{oh yeah…}

my friend at work (not the woman who was moving, whom i no longer consider a friend by the way, but the other one i had talked to – let’s call her martha*) had told me that her nephew’s band was playing at a bar downtown tonight, and i told her i would go with her. but last night, i started getting anxious. if you read my earlier blogs, you might be aware that i get anxious when i go downtown because i’m afraid i will run into T. see, he lives downtown. i live across the bridge near the beach. downtown is his space; the beach is mine. but sometimes, i need to go downtown for errands. i’m so scared to run into him – will he acknowledge me? will he be civil to me? will he say anything to me? will he smile at me? will he be happy to see me? or will he ignore me? will he hate me? will he tell me to !#$% off? realistically, i knew i wouldn’t run into him at all. i couldn’t imagine he would be at that particular bar, but YOU JUST NEVER KNOW, DO YOU? i stressed over it in bed all night. {sigh}

this afternoon, martha called to tell me she was sick and had been for a few days and wasn’t going to make it tonight. i had been too busy at work all day to stress over whether i would run into T, but at that moment, a part of me breathed a sigh of relief at not having to go downtown. i still think about him every day and wonder how he’s doing, how his songwriting is going, if he’s still working at the hotel………….. does he miss me……..? has he forgotten about me…….? does he have a new girlfriend………………………….?

when will the heartache end?

{focus, focus}

{focus, focus, focus}

{FOCUS, damn it, FOCUS!}

{sigh……i can’t.}

{forget it.}

{maybe tomorrow…}

*i’m making up the names for my entertainment.

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alternative therapy

i’ve been thinking about getting a cat for over a year. i’ve always thought about it, but it wasn’t until the break up last year when i knew in my heart that having a cat would help me with the pain and the depression i’ve been coping with for many years.

there have been a few challenges to consider, like the fact that i’m allergic to cats and my tenant agreement says no pets. but i’m serious about this. i’m going to ask my doctor on friday whether i can overcome my allergies. hopeful yes. expectation no. but reactine has worked for me before, and maybe i will just get acclimatized to it? i dunno, but i really want (need?) a cat.

as for my landlord, well… they know there are some tenants in my building with cats. i thought about officially asking for permission… but well… i’m going to take my chances…

whether to get a kitten or a cat. i’ve heard that kittens are a lot of work. and you’re not supposed to leave them alone for more than four hours. one of the adoption websites said one solution is to get two kittens. so, now i’m thinking about two kittens! whoa!

i thought getting a kitten would prevent me from going to palm springs on vacation in the fall, but i can get a pet sitter to come and take care of it.

i really want to do this. i already love my cat and i don’t even have one yet!