full circle

. . .from an upward battle of struggles and emotions to a journey of healing, growth, and laughter. . .

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my bad

i’m such a bad blogger, lol.

on october 31 (halloween), i adopted a seven-weeker and named him Charcoal… Coal for short.

if you think he’s cute, check out his photo album!

clea, oreo, and coal are one big happy family!

here are some of my favorite videos…

if you want more, i have over 50 videos!

i have been very busy with the new addition to my family and oreo and clea. oreo has become so affectionate – he loves to sleep next to my head (sometimes on it!) and purr. clea still waits until i’m on the laptop before jumping onto my chest for a cuddle. now that coal has clea and oreo to play with, he tends to ignore me except on the weekends when i want to sleep in. he’ll sit on me until i get up to feed them. i’m happy to have them in my life.

in november, i went to palm springs for a few days for a spa vacation. i was so upset to leave the kitties that i almost cancelled my trip. i was experiencing some major separation anxiety. aside from that, i had such a relaxing time. there is nothing to do in palm springs except golf {i was the only young person on my flight, lol}, and i had arrived on a sunday, so it was pretty dead that week – i went back to my hotel at 6 pm every night! but the weather was great, and the spa was heavenly.

i’ve got my next trip booked, and it looks like i’m heading back to europe again – greece for my big 35th birthday. it’s on my list of things to do before i turn 40, and i only have so many years left, so i had to be strategic, lol. i’m doing athens for a few days, then mykonos island, then santorini island. i can’t wait!

we’ve been going through a consolidation at work, so that has been stressful for everyone. my boss lost her job, so i was really sad about that. i still have one, but they’re moving me to a different position within a different team and different location. i had the option to stay at my current location, but with everyone leaving, i decided not to. i was hesitant about the new job because it focuses on the parts of my now redudant job i never liked, but i’m hopeful that the change will be good.

in fact, i have a lot of changes to keep me busy. last month, i had the last straw with my landlord (ceiling leaked for 10 hours on christmas eve, and i had asked them to fix it a year earlier) and decided to leave. i wanted to move into a 2-bed apartment, but everyone was pressuring me to buy a condo. if i bought, i could only afford a 1-bed in the area where i live now, so i was extremely stressed about what to do, especially when i had to pay for greece. and then every 2-bed rental that i was interested in fell through, so i took that as a sign to buy. within a week, i got pre-approved for a mortgage and met a realtor. i went to six open houses today.

i completely fell in love with one of them. i thought it would be more than i can afford, but after doing some calculations, i found that i can afford it. my realtors are in the process of their due diligence, and then we’re probably going to make an offer on monday. it’s awesome this is going so quickly, because i’m so impatient. fingers crossed.

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WTF in big capital letters

my boss called me at home on sunday asking me to change my vacation and come into work on monday and tuesday because she was taking two days off to sort out things with her mom, who was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. other than my boss, there are four of us in the department – three other fully capable people to run things for two measly days. our team has run things with fewer people, so i was pissed. and i mean pissed. but i grudgingly agreed.

on monday, everyone was shocked to see me, and no one could figure out why our boss asked me to come in when the rest of them were there. i was pissed and they knew it. on monday nite, i ended up getting sick, so i didn’t bother going in on tuesday. i left them a message that i planned on taking next monday and tuesday to make up for my lost vacation.

today, i ended up on the phone with my boss for something else, and she warned me that she may have to call me in on monday because there is a lot going on. you have NO IDEA how mad i am right now {because this happened literally 10 minutes ago}. i haven’t had a break since july, and that was one week. last summer, i worked my ass off because she hadn’t hired anyone to replace my colleague who had left AND she went to a conference AND on vacation during two periods in the summer. i was so stressed to the max that i was in tears nearly every day and almost quit every friday. AND THEN she hired two people at $5,000 more than i was making!!! ever since then, i have been less willing to go “above and beyond” for work. we get appreciated on a daily basis, but when it comes down to it, they take advantage. what does it take to take a simple 5-day vacation around here?????????????????????? everyone else got theirs and didn’t have to cancel!!


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play me

i can’t wait for monday. i can’t wait for monday because that is the day when my boss returns from a two-week vacation. that is also the day i give her the media pager and no longer have to deal with any more issues alone.

these last two weeks at work have been painfully exhausting. dealing with patient and media issues (one of which resulted from a faceless shit disturber who dumbassedly decided going to the media would be a good thing. some people’s children. seriously.), drafting news releases, organizing government events, attending after hours meetings, staying late with no breaks, being late to an early breakfast meeting—and that’s on top of the routine stuff like dealing with internet requests from stupid people, handling media calls, and writing and editing in three days most of the content for the next newsletter issue (yah, that ain’t happening). all this makes it seem like having the pager for four weeks straight was the best part! i would say i didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, except that i chose to laugh—which i would have said was major progress because usually i’m a crier, except that yesterday, i broke down. one of my team isn’t in on fridays and the other one filling in for a few weeks called in sick (and i refused to allow her to come to the office in the afternoon if she felt better as she suggested because i didn’t have any immediate plans to get sick just before my hawaii trip, but thanks for thinking of me, lol). so, not only was i dealing with all of the above, i was also the only one in the office. about the middle of the morning, i made one stupid mistake by making an executive decision to send out a particular staff communication only to be berated by two managers (on email no less) who told me it contained wrong information (JUST FYI: IT CONTAINED WRONG INFORMATION BECAUSE THEY FAILED TO LET ME KNOW THAT THE INFORMATION HAD CHANGED SINCE THE PREVIOUS DAY WHEN WE SENT OUT THE SAME COMMUNICATION TO OTHER GROUPS OF STAFF.)

that ended up being the last straw. i completely broke down and seriously thought about walking out and not coming back. let them see how things would function without a communications officer for even one day. i cannot tell you how much “distaste” and contempt i felt for everyone at that very moment. everyone. i had spent two weeks working to my absolute max, doing the BEST freakin job i could (and my “best” during these two weeks was EXCEPTIONAL), and what do i get for my efforts? email correspondence telling me that i screwed up. YEAH THANKS, !@#$%.

yes, some harsh words coming from my fingers, but my team has witnessed what i have been through. i didn’t ASK to cover for my boss while she was away. indeed, i did not.

and on top of work, i was trying to maintain my life at home but was not succeeding: laundry piling up, dishes piling up, no time for proper meals, going to bed late, lack of sleep taking its toll, and a stressful middle of the night incident involving my brother trying to enjoy a concert only to find himself being poked in the stomach with the tip of a gun barrel held by some gangsta wannabe. so, you can see why i am looking forward to monday.

after staying late at work last night, i dragged myself to the gym and took out most of my anger on the treadmill. ohhhhh, that felt good. i was hoping to drop by my friend’s studio, so we could spend an hour working on the guitar part, but he ended up working with his bass player, so i was left out in the cold. 😦 i don’t like to intrude on his musical space, but i was incredibly disappointed. i had been looking forward to the possibility of the distraction from my horrible day.

but funny things can happen. i ended up reconnecting with someone i used to be friends with. we spent an hour on MSN and then a couple of hours on the phone. it was nice to catch up – felt like old times. but i’m cautious. i remember clearly why we stopped being friends, and i don’t want to open my heart to friendships that will only hurt me again. one of my favorite lyrics right now is State of Shock: “the key cannot be recut; my heart is sealed shut.”

much later that night, my friend (i’m gonna have to give him a name for the purposes of this blog, as even i’m starting to get confused, lol) called me to say he was done in the studio and that he didn’t have his daughter today. so, early this morning, i headed over to his place with my song in hand. M played it over and over, so he could start creating the guitar part. he was frustrated at times because i didn’t give him the “route chords” (read: his explanation of what this meant failed to integrate into the current music knowledge in my head, but today i googled it, and it’s actually called the “root note of the chord” which i understand and can now provide him with).

as his fingers strummed the acoustic guitar, the music started to form and envelope the song. i was so excited! more and more, the song was coming to life. patting ourselves on the back, we took a break. i showed M the cd cover i designed this week for my song, and he was duly impressed (yeah!). the song is very sad, and the image for my cd cover came to me in an instant. i took my full moon photo from the grand canyon and photoshopped the trees to create the most eerie look (come to think of it, the font i used is called Erie – oooh spooky). the back cover is the same image but in reverse (like a photo negative). oh, i can’t wait to see it printed (semi)professionally!

i was having a great time, totally cheered up. well, at least until M casually mentioned that he was “researching” thomas. i stopped dead in my tracks, which was very impactful since i was sitting down. M said i always speak so highly of thomas that he wanted to check him out. i was not happy about that. in fact, i was incredibly upset, and the buzz i’d been feeling fizzled out. just because i speak “highly” of thomas’s musical talent doesn’t mean i want my present to be connected to him anymore. he left me. he does not deserve my friend’s attention. i tried to explain that to M, who, as sweet as he is, pretended to understand and agreed not to do any further research. i told M if he were going to continue, i didn’t want to know about it. he apologized, gave me a great big hug, and all was good.

continuing on the break theme, i pulled out a cassette tape (yes, you read correctly) of traditional bengali songs that i’d been wanting to share with M ever since i heard one of his newer songs where he sampled indian music. the bengali music was recorded by my friend’s sister more than 10 years ago (she would have been in her early 20s when she sang on it). and then M and i listened to the opposite, which apparently was neil diamond, lol. “you are the sun, i am the moon, you are the words, i am the tune, play me…”

we chilled the rest of the day.